The most epic blog post ever…

Be warned, this blog post is going to be very long and detailed, because this weekend was jammed with fun and games…and too many jokes :-)On Saturday morning, I headed into town to meet the lovely Monica, and Tom – a random man from facebook who I had never met before.  The three of us were heading to Naivasha- home to Lake Naivasha (hippo paradise), and Hell’s Gate National Park.

Got on a matatu-bus, for the journey there.  They were pumping out the music, with a TV screen showing a very severe looking man singing in a most strange and strict manner.  Turned out he was singing/rapping the gospels.  Funky.  Another amusing point:  the bus conductor kept diving under us (we were sitting on the back seat).  He was hiding from the police, because, in true Kenyan style, there were too many people on the bus.  But the first time it happened we were quite shocked to suddenly see a man get down and crawl under our legs, under our seat without giving a word of explanation…

Made it to Fisherman’s Camp, aka the “Glastonbury” of the Kenyan camping world.  I beg to differ, Lonely Planet.  But still a nice place- monkeys galore.  Two nice chaps put up our tent for us, which was tiny.  We pointed out that two people certainly could not fit in there.  They said, “but look, there are two mattresses in the tent!”.  Yes… the mattresses were on top of each other.  Literally.  In a pile.  (It’s Africa).  Eventually they got the two mattresses next to each other, and Tom the random and I accepted that we would be making friends very fast.

We headed out onto the lake, in an indestructible boat.  I say indestructible, because at one point we hit rocks and Emmanuel, our driver exclaimed “Don’t worry, it’s only rocks!! I didn’t hit a hippo”.  Rocks harmful to a small boat??  Of course not…  Made it to Cresent Island stopping by a family of hippos on the way.  Incidentally – I have come to know that hippos trump even human men in the jealousy league tables.  Lady hippos have to leave the family location to give birth, and if the kid is a boy, they leave it behind because father hippos kill all males to come near the family.  So girl hippo babies come and live with the fam, boy hippo babies have to go off and find their own family.  Daddy, jealous much?

Cresent Island was amusing – found a ranger, to whom we declared: “Let’s make a deal”.  We got residents rates, he got a bit to line his pocket, everyone was happy.  In a very jolly mood, off we marched on our guided tour.  First stop:  “Everybody!! Look!! (everyone gathers round)… THIS, is… hippo poo”.  Ahha…  Other stops on the tour were: aardvark holes, fox holes, and mouse holes.  Tom had a bit of trouble identifying what a mouse was – they are rare creatures after all 🙂

On the way back to camp on the boat, Emmanuel had many gems of entertainment for us:  on seeing a flock of pelicans: “Let’s make them fly!” (He accelerates into them),  and an eagle calling whistle – to which he them fed fish.

Back at camp we headed straight to the “restaurant” (bar) to start on the trusty Tuskers.  Mayhem of course ensued.  When the sun went down, hippos came to graze in the camp…awesome!  We got completely smashed, and started chatting to the waiter, Sam.  To whom we explained that while Tom and I are married, married life isn’t going too well.  This is probably sue to the miniscule size of Tom’s penis, and the fact that he has 4 girlfriends beside me.  Sam was horrified, and took it upon himself to break us up, and whisk  me away to a better life.  Oh the fun… 😀

Other highlights of our drunkenness included:  trying to climb trees, not being able to, so settling for standing on a tree stump.  Deciding to try out whether there was electricity in the electric fence – by throwing grass and sticks at it.  Getting caught doing this by a policeman, and explaining I’m scared of hippos, and my husband was just ensuring my safety.  Then diverging and asking if we can wear his hat and hold his gun for photos (hat yes, gun no).

After a surprisingly comfy night in the tent, I woke up (Tom being a baby, and refusing to get up)…and headed off to find a shower.  To be found “just over behind the banana tree”.  Then I went to have breakfast, where Sam greeted me with “Great! Are you single now??”…

We took a matatu to Hell’s Gate, and after a gruelling walk in the heat, made it to the gate.  Where it turned out, it’s 8km to the ranger’s post…walking or on bike.  No other vehicles.  So we rented two bikes, and set off.  The chain fell off mine before we left, so had to have it fixed.  Otherwise, I have never heard two bikes that make more ridiculous noises.  I was truly certain that we wouldn’t make it to the ranger’s post.  But despite our bikes and the midday heat – we got the post, met John, our Masai guide, and set off for our trek.

It soon became clear that a stellar sense of humour, and a lack of care for our limbs staying intact were going to be necessary for this walk.  John ran off, hopping down cliffs, running across rivers, and scrambling up rock faces.  With us in tow, crying tears of laughter over the ridiculousness of the situation.  At some points John had to say “just step on me”, and act as a staircase for us useless wazungus.

That man is a legend.  Towards the end of the walk, he ran across a tree fallen across a deep gorge…and shouted “Come on”… blank faces.  Tom was about to freak out (man that he is).  I was sat on the tree, laughing.  When John hops back and says “Just kidding, we’re walking down there” 😀  Joker!

He took us to boiling water springs, and we ended up on top of the mountain with a beautiful Lion King view, where we painted us with Masai warrior paint…to complete our transformation.  It was such an awesome day.

We did cause a bit of dismay for John though.  He explained that he is not married yet, because he’s saving up   his cows to be able to afford a mzungu wife.  Can he please enquire as to how many cows we expect in “Mzungu”? (Because he all come from a cryptic place called Mzunguland apparently).  I told him we don’t need cows for marriage.  He was astounded.  NO COWS???  I told him the man simply asks the lady, and she can decide whether to say yes or no.  He was shocked and somewhat horrified.  We asked how many cows he would pay for a very beautiful Kenyan wife.  Maybe even 25, he said.  If she was very beautiful.  But he wants a mzungu.  We asked how many cows he currently has… 150.  Poor guy.  That’s a lot of cows saved up for nothing.

That’s all for now… you’re probably all bored anyway 🙂

I would like to add a postscript:  Sorry Tom, I give you a lot of stick 🙂  But everyone, he’s a really nice guy actually 🙂


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Joe
    Oct 11, 2011 @ 15:28:55

    Very interesting indeed.Its better than all the cold,miserable european winters.In Africa is everyone smiling despite the fact that they have nothing.Here in Europe,they have everything,but still depressed.Am a big fan of your blog by the way!! 🙂


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